Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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