I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
