I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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