Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize