I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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