Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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