apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize