Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
