JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
