I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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