i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
