It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
