I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
