Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Boobs speak an international language.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
