I met the friendliest cop last night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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