Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
