I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
