Got a toothbrush?
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
