Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
