nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
