im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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