Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i think my cat just said my name.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize