Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
