I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
