i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
