too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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