im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
