OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
