Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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