I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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