Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
