My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
