Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
