I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
