It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
