I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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