My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
