Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
