If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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