So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
thus making me awesome and them whores
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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