was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
