Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
