I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
