i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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