does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
