just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
