Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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