i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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