Your face is a jimmy john
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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