I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize