I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
