I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
