The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
