you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
