After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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