Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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